Darkness Before the Dawn

Image: hal-pc.org

Image: hal-pc.org

There comes a point in each addict/alcoholic’s life when they feel like there is no way things could get worse.  Whether they are in deep debt, being evicted, homeless, selling sex for drugs/money… the list goes on.

The darkness swallows us, like that giant monster we swore was in our closet as small children.  Only this monster is real.  It is real and it is ugly and it devours us every day making life worse while we try to drown or numb the pain.

My darkness was in a basement in Bucks County, PA.  I had lost my children, was unemployable and was living in the same house as my enabler (my ex-boss).  He and his wife had let me stay with them after I had been evicted from a house in Philadelphia.  I was in debt, could not find work and lived there under the prerequisite that he would give me drugs and money and I would repay him accordingly.

All of my “I never’s” were coming true as I sat in that basement listening to him lumber around upstairs, praying to high heaven he wouldn’t come down those steps.

My two daughters lived there with me and slept in the room on the other side of the basement.  Their precious little faces looked so peaceful when they slept.  My God, what had I done?

No one could tell me about my darkness.  I had to figure it out by myself.  That is the sad truth about addiction and alcoholism.  We always have to find out the hard way.  All those interventions, the threats, the promises the deals… none of it works.  I mean, it may work for a short while, but we just have to feel like there is nothing left.  We have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

It is that moment in time, that darkness before the dawn, that loss of hope, that are you freaking kidding me…. that is when we look at ourselves in the mirror and beg God for help.

Comments

  1. WOW Darlene – powerful. I can’t imagine. I am glad you are past this point and are moving ahead. It’s a new year and you have been making changes and moving forward – as we all do. Keep writing, keep thinking, and keep your faith in yourself.

  2. Holy shizzlesticks, Darlene. This is some powerful stuff. Incredible. You are a survivor.

  3. Joanna Aislinn says:

    Awesome and so true, Darlene. I’m usually up around 5:30 every day. One of my favorite things to do is step out into my yard and look at the stars at that time. The sky is at its darkest and those little lights really stand out against that stark black. That “darkest moment” you describe is what author PJ Reece calls “the heart of the story”, the all-is-lost moment when life changes; when there is no oath way to go but out of the abyss. And only when one is ready to look up and face the conflict head-on can change take place. Wonderful post.

  4. Powerful stuff, wow.

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