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Jan 13, 2013

The Terrifying Fourth Step

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AA Big Book

AA Big Book (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Ah, yes. The step I became fearful of simply from others’ talk of it in the rooms. “Oh boy, wait ’til you get to the fourth step!” “You’re gonna do your fourth step? Good luck!”

It took me a while to get the fear of this step. The fourth step was a look at my internal makeup. What made me angry? What made me fearful? Jealous? Insecure? Angry? Hell yeah I wanted to talk about all this crap! Are you kidding? It was about time someone would listen to me!

So I got with my sponsor and we sat down and read the fourth step (out of the Big Book) and then I went home and wrote down in a nice little chart all the people who pissed me off, why they pissed me off and what part of me their behavior effected. Yes! This is why I am the way I am! These are the awful things that people did to me! Of course I was a drunk. How could I not be? You would be a drunk too if you had to put up with all this crap right here on these pieces of paper that I painstakingly wrote on for hours and hours as I wiped the tears away (alcoholics tend to have a flair for the dramatic).

I went back to my sponsor and we went over my fourth step. I felt great! I got to list all the reasons why I was the way I was! This whole getting sober thing was getting better and better. And then came the question I had to answer that made me understand why there was so much anguish around this step. It was the “second part” of Step Four.

What was my part in it? Say what??? My part? There was no way I had a part in the way someone else treated me. Little doe-eyed, innocent Darlene. What could I have possibly done? So we went back through the list. And I have to say, thank the heavens I was blessed with an open mind and an ability to WANT to look at my (emotional) insides (although I’m sure my physical insides are very lovely!).

Because what I found out about my part in the way others had treated me was not fun. Still, it was huge in my recovery. Yes, I had a part in the way my ex-husband treated me. Yes, I had a part in all the broken relationships I was in at some point. Yes, I had a part the degradation I received at my first real office job. All of this “I had a part in it” stuff was difficult to deal with.had been done But I had to deal with it nonetheless.

After I recognized my part in the situations I had been in, the wrong that had been done to me and the pain I had felt throughout my life, I had another road to travel down. I had to travel down the “Know Road.” And we all know, once we know, we can never not know. Surprisingly, recognizing my part in my past helped me. I was able to understand (for starters) what made me tick and why I did the things I did. This would lead me to continue rigorous honesty as I approached Step Five.

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Filed Under: 2013, addiction, alcohol, alcoholic, alcoholism, anger, Darlene Steelman, emotions, just for today, postaday2012, postaweek2012, Progress, resentment, sober, sobriety, Uncategorized, unknown · Tagged: , ,
Jan 11, 2013

Coping In Sobriety

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Clean and Sober

Clean and Sober (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I first got sober, it was pretty easy for me.  I’m not bragging, but I had hit such a low point that I figured getting clean and sober might well be worth a shot.  The one thing I hadn’t discovered in my new sobriety was ways to cope with life on life’s terms. This was definitely something I needed to figure out quickly.

See, life just kept on happening to me. It didn’t matter that I was clean and sober, or that I was trying to do the next right thing.  It didn’t matter that I was making a valiant effort to see my kids, to stay away from people, places and things or that I was working a rigorous twelve-step program.

My car still broke down, I still got yelled at by my boss and I still had (very) bad hair days.

Of course I would go into the “poor me” cloud.  “Hey, I’m doing the right thing… what’s this crap all about?” I had this grandiose sense of self (huge ego!) that since I finally started to do the right thing (after years of doing very wrong things) that I should get a reprieve of sorts and nothing bad should ever happen to me ever again.  Ever.

Reality check: shit happens. I had to deal with life on life’s terms and I had to find out pronto how to do that.

The only way I could do that was to go to meetings, be around other sober people who had serious clean time and work a good program.

I learned that drinking or drugging was not a coping tool.  It just added fuel to the already out of control fire that raged inside me.

I learned that I should start writing again and that I am a pretty good photographer.  I learned my triggers and how to avoid them most of the time.  Sometimes triggers still invaded my head space (usually when my mind was idle) and I learned that the best thing to do in that situation was to call another alcoholic in recovery. Maybe they could help me.  Turns out, I was helping them just as much as they were helping me.

I couldn’t wrap my head around that one.  How the hell could I possibly help someone with years of sobriety when I was so new? Now that I have over six years clean and sober, I know how.  Because when I talk to someone new in sobriety it puts things in perspective and reminds me of the way I used to think. I no longer think that way.

Some of the ways I learned to cope:

  • Go to a meeting. Talk to another alcoholic in recovery.
  • Go for a walk.
  • Write.
  • Go for a drive.
  • Listen to music.
  • Go to a park.

I can always come back to the problem later.  Obsessing and keeping the problem at the forefront of my mind will not help me.  And trust me, I am huge on obsession.  After all, I am an alcoholic and everything is about me.

If I had a dollar for every time I asked someone “What’s wrong?” with the presumption that it had to be something I did, I would be retired and living in my dream cabin in the mountains.

See, another HUGE thing I had to learn to cope with was myself.  I had to learn that people pleasing was not a coping tool, rather a way to mask whatever guilt or remorse I was feeling. I had to cope with that.  I had to learn how to recognize the difference between actually coping and sweeping the problem under the rug or enabling someone or using other poor methods:

  • drinking
  • drugging
  • silent scorn
  • blame
  • defensiveness
  • ignoring the feeling
  • manipulation

None of these ways worked!  These were not coping tools, these were character defects that I used to hurt people to get my way, pretending I was right (when I knew I was wrong).  Because as long as I was sure other people knew I was right, I felt better, if only for a short time.

How do you cope with day-to-day life or problems that come down your road?

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Filed Under: 2013, addiction, adversity, alcohol, alcoholic, alcoholism, anger, character defects, Darlene Steelman, emotions, just for today, life, little things, Living, postaday2012, postaweek2012, self esteem, self worth, sober, sobriety, Uncategorized, unknown, write, Writing · Tagged: ,
Jan 10, 2013

The Little Things

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This is a "thought bubble". It is an...

This is a “thought bubble”. It is an illustration depicting thought. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There comes a point in sobriety when the pink cloud of perfection and “I got this” dissipates.  Life continues to happen as we settle into our newfound freedom.  We settle back into our old way of thinking if we are not working a good program.

There will always be little things.  Life will happen on life’s terms consistently ( we can bank on that!) and it is up to us to learn a new way of coping to deal with the enigmas of life.

Slogans like, “Live and Let Live” and “Life on Life’s Terms” are important throughout our sobriety.  When we were out there, we let everything bother us. We harbored resentments over a lot of crap.  We were angry at our family, friends, the system and God.  We felt wronged and justified in our anger.

This thought process destroyed us!  It destroyed me for sure.  Some of the things that made me angry were other people, traffic, television, my mate at the time and the weather just to name a few.  It took me years to get it in my head that I was letting people, places and things control me by thinking I could control them.

This makes for one ticked off individual.  And how ridiculous is it being upset over little things we have zero control over. It is the moments of perceived loss of control that the Serenity Prayer comes in handy:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Once we realize the only thing we have control over is the way we think and that the way we think affects the way we feel, we now have a sense of freedom.

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Filed Under: 2013, addiction, adversity, alcoholic, alcoholism, believe, Darlene Steelman, emotions, freedom, just for today, postaday2012, postaweek2012, Progress, resentment, self confidence, self esteem, self worth, serenity, sober, sobriety, Uncategorized, unknown, willing, Women · Tagged: , , ,
Jan 6, 2013

One Day at a Time

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Image: givecourage.net

Image: givecourage.net

One day at a time.  Isn’t that really the only way we can live?  When we were in our addiction, we were caught up in our past aches, resentments and fears.  But that wasn’t enough.  We had to worry about the future!  What will tomorrow bring? Will I still have my job?  What about a place to live?

Since I am inherently skeptical, this whole one day at a time thing puzzled me.  After all, I was a being who only thought about what would become of me along with all the crap of yesterday.  Well, I couldn’t change yesterday and had no control over tomorrow.  Still don’t.  Never will.

Before I got sober, I remember thinking about never being able to drink (or drug) again.  That thought overwhelmed me to the point of anxiety.  How would I function?  Where would I hang out? What about my friends?  All of these are serious questions to the still sick and suffering alcoholic.

The first couple weeks of my sobriety were a rough lot.  I lived one minute at a time rather than one day at a time.  I could not think about the future.  Again, it was entirely too overwhelming.  And holding onto the past was what got me in such a shit storm.  So I focused on keeping my brain occupied.  I should have kept a journal, but I didn’t.  Instead I consumed mass quantities of Pop Tarts and watched the Military Channel.  I only left my apartment to get cigarettes.

But it worked for me.

Of course these days, I do think about the future and there are times when the past creeps in or I see something that brings back a fond (or not so fond) memory. But when it comes to not picking up, one day at a time, one minute at a time, even one second at a time is the best way to live.

How do we live one day at a time in recovery?

We go to meetings.  We get a sponsor.  We read approved literature. We talk to people in recovery (this is so important). We share at meetings (this is something I need to do more). We keep our minds occupied with things besides drinking (or drugging).

I have met so many creative people in the rooms of AA.  I have met many artists, writers and generally people who are doing what they want to do with their lives.  How cool is that?  Maybe they were always creative or maybe they found their creativity while living one day at a time.

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Filed Under: addiction, adversity, alcohol, alcoholic, alcoholism, Darlene Steelman, just be, just for today, Living, one day at a time, postaday2011, postaweek2011, sober, sobriety, Uncategorized · Tagged: , ,
Jan 4, 2013

Asking For Help

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Image: lostandtired.com

Image: lostandtired.com

Asking for help is difficult.  It means swallowing our pride and admitting we cannot do it alone.  There are many places to get help for the still sick and suffering.  The most effective is the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I must be careful talking about that, because it is Anonymous.  Although these days with social media and Facebook Group Pages, there is no longer much anonymity.

God was who I first asked for help.  When I got sober in May 2006, I started in the basement by myself.  I had detoxed off of pain meds and quit drinking along with other substances.  I can honestly say God was with me the whole time, even though I felt like hell, I knew he was there.  There is no way in hell I suffered through that agony alone.  Alone in body, maybe, but not alone in spirit.

The second person I asked was my kids’ social worker at Bucks County Children and Youth.  After the detox, I called the County and they got me in an outpatient group.  I had one counseling session a week with a guy who never had a drug problem and was slightly condescending.  Along with that, I had three outpatient groups a week.

And so it went.  I would ask people for help at the group.  The caseworker always picked up the phone when I called.  For me to reach out my hand was difficult being a woman always hell bent on self-will.

Swallowing my selfish pride and asking for help was the best thing I could do for myself.  There are many places to ask for help.  Visit www.aa.org to get started and find a meeting.

Filed Under: Uncategorized, addiction, unknown, postaday2011, postaweek2011, Darlene Steelman, life, God, alcohol, adversity, mental health, alcoholic, sobriety, sober, alcoholism, 2013 ·
Jan 3, 2013

We Admitted We Were Powerless

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Image: sabacooperative.org

Image: sabacooperative.org

“Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.” This is taken from the Big Book and the Twelve & Twelve.

This is the only step we have to do perfectly.  To have an attitude that we “can drink once in a while” or “take a break” is dangerous.  Of course, this is something we alcoholics find out the hard way.  We have all at one time or another, woken up in the morning (or maybe we hadn’t even been to sleep) and said: Man, I am never doing that again! Only to be right back where we were, less than twenty-four hours later.

And let’s face it: admitting we are powerless over anything is tough for us humans.  We have this thing called “pride” that whispers in our ear that we can beat anything.  It whispers that giving up is for suckers and wimps. Our egos and pride tell us that people will laugh at us if we admit we cannot drink (or drug) anymore.

We had come to realize that once we put a drink in our bodies, we could not stop. That first drink rendered us helpless every time.

We tried to drink successfully.  We made empty promises (with good intentions!) that we would only drink beer, or that we would only drink on the weekend or that we would stop drinking at 11 pm. It may have worked for a little while, but ultimately it didn’t work at all.

We could not drink successfully.  We could not stop after one drink.  The minute we put that first drink in us, our bodies and minds crave more and we drink until we are either passed out, puking, in jail or in a crazy situation.  And yes, these crazy situations may make great stories (if we live through them) but they leave us with shame and regret.

The unmanageability of our lives may be that we keep showing up late for work (or not showing up at all), we aren’t paying our bills, we are cheating on our spouses or partners, we are getting in fights, driving intoxicated and ending up in jail.  It is one or some or all of these things.  We could not manage our own lives, we could not manage our drinking, we could not manage anything.

Step One is the only step we have to do perfect.  If we do that one step perfectly, we will begin the road to recovery and our lives will begin to change in a positive way.

Filed Under: Uncategorized, Helpless, fear, addiction, unknown, postaday2011, postaweek2011, Darlene Steelman, Progress, alcohol, believe, mental health, just for today, alcoholic, sobriety, sober, willing, alcoholism ·
Dec 28, 2012

Out With the Old – A Time to Reflect

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Reflect

Reflect (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As 2012 comes to a close… I have looked through my Penzu journal, gone through old notebooks and basically stepped back and looked at the canvas of my life.  It hasn’t exactly been a spectacular year… but then it has been a spectacular year.  I fell down a cliff on a quad, I celebrated six years of sobriety in May, I started going to Al-Anon (which changed my life!) and I ended a six year, toxic relationship never dreaming that I’d enter into a new relationship with a man who I am pretty sure was made just for me.

I read somewhere that when we order up the life we want to exact specifications, we just might get it.  Well, I seem to be on my way.

The Old:

Procrastination – Insecurity – Self-loathing – Laziness – Self-doubt – feeling unworthy in most situations.  Ahhh.. those old ugly beliefs and bad thoughts that I wish I could beat with a hammer.  However, thoughts are not tangible so I have to beat them with positive thinking!

The New:

Get it done! I am beautiful! I can and will prevail! Successful author!  I have to fake it ’til I make it – and my advice to all of you is to do the same.  Faking it ’til we make it is like a mental affirmation of determination that only we know about.  It kinda goes along with that whole “The Secret” thing.  Trust me – it freaking works.

How about you? What is your out with the old, in with the new for the coming year?

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Filed Under: Uncategorized, Writing, insecure, Living, Gratitude, Thankful, love, self worth, self esteem, worthy, Healthy, lazy, wellbeing, postaday2011, postaweek2011, Darlene Steelman, New Year, life, God, 2012, dolphins, believe, journaling, self confidence, sobriety, sober, happiness, truth, willing · Tagged: , ,
Apr 20, 2012

A – Z Challenge ~ R is for Reinvent

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sunny day

sunny day (Photo credit: jhoc)

How do we reinvent ourselves? We have to change things up. Reinventing means taking something old and making it different. We reinvent ourselves when we take a long hard look at what is going on in our life and figure out what is or is not working.
Maybe you have a bad attitude at work or maybe you wear the same damn type of clothes every single day or you read the same types of books all the time. CHANGE IT UP!

When we reinvent ourselves we are giving our self permission to step outside the box – that box of fuzzy blanket comfort – and recharge our batteries.

Maybe you had your eye on a new journal to write in that will bring forth ideas for that book you have been wanting to write or maybe there is a class that you have been wanting to take because you just know it will do you tons of ooey goodness.

I’ll tell you what.  All the nerve I possess I can thank my Gram for.  She never let me be a sissy and stay in the same humdrum routine when I was a little girl.  She taught me that if I want anything to change I have to change it.  I have to reinvent it.  I reinvent myself each day when I try something new or put a positive spin on a negative situation.

You can do it too!

The Day’s Ponder:  When was the last time you reinvented yourself?  Write down three ways you can reinvent yourself.

Filed Under: 2012, A - Z Challenge, adversity, Darlene Steelman, Gratitude, happiness, Health, journaling, Living, mental health, positive thinking, postaday2011, postaweek2011, self confidence, self esteem, Uncategorized, wellbeing ·
Apr 15, 2012

ROW80 Update – The Rowing is the Hardest Part

By · 31 Comments

Yep.  This picture pretty much depicts my world as it stands right now.  Everything is driving me nuts and I am feeling burnt out.  I was journaling on Saturday and kind of came to a realization that I may be depressed. Now, not like crying in a corner surrounded by Twinkie wrappers depressed, but more of an I don’t feel like doing sh*t and I would rather just fade into the dust depressed.  Not sure which one is worse.

Hopefully, I have just had enough of working Saturday’s, Form 1040′s, 1120S’s, extensions, estimates, BPT’s **AIIIIEEEEEE!!!!**

Hopefully, this crap will drift into the sunset on a homemade twig raft, glued together with my burnt out brain matter,  and I’ll wake up next Saturday feeling refreshed because I don’t have to drag my ass into the office.

I am 99.9% positive that this is the case and that after April 17th, I will exhale and chin up a bit.

I won’t list the goals I have achieved, because the only one I am keeping up with is the 750words Challenge and the A – Z Challenge.

Everything else? Blah.

So my goals for the coming week:

1. 75owords.com challenge – keep up the good work.

2.  A – Z Challenge – keep up the good work.

3. Starting Wednesday – walk twenty-five minutes each afternoon on my lunch.

4. Edit my freaking manuscript!

5. Read/comment blogs (I was doing like 15 – 20 a day, but I got burnt out!) up to ten a day.

That’s all for me, ju ju bees.  What say you?  How is your progress coming along?

Happy ROW80ing!  :D

Filed Under: #ROW80, 2012, 750words.com, A - Z Challenge, Darlene Steelman, postaday2011, postaweek2011, Uncategorized, unknown ·
Apr 4, 2012

A – Z Challenge ~ D is for Details

By · 8 Comments

Image: ourmarketingmastery.com

Details.  We notice them whether we realize it or not, when we drive, walk, talk, read and watch a movie.  One of the most important aspects of paying attention to detail is in writing.  Well, dismantling bombs may require quite a bit of attention to detail, but that isn’t my forte.

Writing is my forte, and I confess, I am not a writer that uses an entire page to describe a room.  If it pertains to my story and I need it known (because it propels the story forward) I let it be known.  Otherwise, I leave a lot to the reader’s imagination.  Is this good?  Is it bad?  I don’t know.

I guess that is why I had such a hard time writing my novel for NaNoWriMo.

Details are amazing!  When stumped on a scene or a flash fiction piece, I make sure I pay a little extra attention to people the next time I am out.  Every single one of my characters has a trait or quality from a real live human bean, er, being.

The next time you are out and about, look around the street you drive down or the mall you walk through.  Find someone and really give them a once over.  What are they wearing around their neck?  Does she only have one earring on?  Is his shoelace broken?  Does he smell like cigarettes, cologne or both? Make up a story about a car in the gas station that has a dent in the back-end.  Look closer:  are they teeth marks?

Are there times when you pay attention to detail more than others?

Filed Under: #ROW80, 2012, A - Z Challenge, blog, Darlene Steelman, details, Uncategorized, unknown, write, Writing ·
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